Potty Talk

So far there have been 2 times in my life when I felt tested beyond my limits. The first was adjusting to having a new born. The second time was the first week o two of potty training. I feel like my entire life has lead up to this moment. I have been preparing all along for the experience of potty training an independent and willful child. It has been very eye opening and very frustrating.

We decided a month ago that we were going to go cold-turkey from diapers to big girl underwear. I don't know how people can say that the 3 Day Boot Camp method works... I am calling BS. It took us almost 2 weeks to finally have break throughs. And of course, I understand that every kid is different... but THREE DAYS? Really?? No. Not Possible. End of Rant.

So anyway, needless to say, it's been a rough couple of weeks. I have cried, screamed, stomped my foot and pulled a little bit of hair out each day. I am now a withered, hoarse, club-footed, bald woman who just wants a day without cleaning urine and feces. And here is where we get to the personal stuff. Everyone has experiences in their lives that make them question who they are, what they want to be/do with their lives, and if they are good enough. Well ladies and gents... this was one of those times for me. I began feeling very defeated and worthless. I tried so hard every day to teach her and help her to understand. Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. I took her to the toilet every 15-20 minutes. I reminded her of the things to say when she feels she needs to use the bathroom, over and over and over again. I tried to make her successes the most exciting and loving moments possible! Yet, I still ended up cleaning and doing laundry 10x more than usual... plus all the tears, stomping, yelling, pleading, etc, etc, etc. 

I felt as though I was becoming invisible. As if I was disappearing into a monotonous and repetitive role that any trained monkey could do. I found myself feeling very unhappy with myself, with my role, with my family, and with the task at hand. I could feel the tendrils of Satan's grasp tugging at me with all their might! I was overwhelmed, desperate, and defeated. Defeated by life and my motherhood. 

My poor husband tried so hard to be supportive and helpful in any ways that he could. But I was still feeling very alone. So Ryan gave me a night off. He sent me to the mall with a good friend and gave me the little escape that I needed to collect myself and just be me. I was so thankful for that. We later had a very long and personal conversation about what I was going through. And something he said has really stuck with me. He asked me a bunch of questions about why I thought I was feeling this way and if I thought there were good solutions or not, etc. But as I told him of my feelings of being an inept mom, he asked me, "Well, do you think anyone else would be willing to do anything for Hailey or love her more than you?" As I thought about his question, I realized that the answer was no. There isn't a single person in this world (other than Ryan) that would be willing to do ANYTHING for Hailey or that would love her as much as I do. 

It doesn't matter if I sometimes make mistakes or am still learning to be the best mom that I can be. What matters is that I am doing what the Lord wants me to be doing, and that is being Hailey's mother- which currently includes potty training. My love for Hailey has no bounds or limits. When I realized this obvious fact and thought more about it, all my unhappiness and frustration crumbled away. I felt so liberated by this simple fact that I am the only one willing to do anything for this sweet daughter of God and that is exactly by task and my stewardship that has been given me for this life here on earth. And I am so blessed and so grateful!!! 

The very next day Hailey only had one accident the entire day! It was my tender mercy from God. And since then, Hailey has only had accidents every couple of days, but she is mostly getting this training down! Her sweet spirit and her cute little body are the most important thing in my life for me to be focusing on. Even if my days get monotonous and frustrating at times. I am the best person for this job, and my Father in Heaven knew that when He sent Hailey to me, and I couldn't be more grateful!

(...making her way to the toilet. she may have momentarily forgot that the pants aren't supposed to come down until AFTER she gets to the bathroom! lol)

(she spent the first two weeks wearing big t-shirts like this one to help minimize the clean ups from accidents) 

(this is what becomes of us for being cooped up in our home for days on end trying to get this training this down!)